Why do we repeat painful patterns in our relationships?: How do we choose a partner? Why do we repeat certain patterns knowing that they have not gone exactly well for us?
We answer these and other questions about the mistakes our hearts make when choosing candidates to occupy it.
In your romantic relationships, are there patterns that have been repeating themselves for some time? Do you see certain similarities that you do not like in each and every one of your partners?
Are your relationships more filled with anxiety and frustration than satisfaction and happiness?
What if instead of thinking “what bad luck” or “surely I have a curse”, we reflect more deeply on what is happening? It’s worth it, isn’t it? Especially when we play so much…
Do you always choose the same type of partner?
Recent research conducted at the University of Toronto and published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (PNAS) in the United States has concluded that we tend to fall in love with the same type of person over and over again .
The researchers have explained that, although the most common thing when a relationship ends is to attribute the breakup to the personality of the ex-partner and make the decision to fall in love with another type of person, there is a very pronounced tendency to continue having partners with a similar personality .
Yoobin Park and Geoff MacDonald, authors of this study, told Science Daily magazine : “If we find ourselves having the same problems in one relationship after another,
we may want to reflect on how to always gravitate towards the same personality traits in our partners is contributing to the permanence of our problems.
Relationship patterns learned in childhood can influence when choosing a partner.
Decipher father-mother-son-daughter relationships
Attachment theory, developed by the English psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the 1950s, states that as adults we follow the relationship patterns we learned in childhood .
We develop a secure attachment when we have been educated with affection, attending to our needs and emotions (without overprotecting ourselves) and setting clear and appropriate limits for ourselves.
From this educational style we identify with the model and look for similar partners, who treat us in a healthy and satisfactory way.
childhood insecurities
This is how the way we relate to each other can be influenced by the way our parents related to us and to each other. We are talking about a model that can exert this influence consciously or unconsciously.
In the latter case, this influence is very dangerous, due to how complicated it can be to detect.
In many cases, in the context of choosing a partner, many of our decisions may have to do with the repetition of models that we internalized many years ago, when we were especially permeable, either due to age or circumstances.
Fortunately, relationship style is learned, not instinct, so we have room for intervention. What we learned can be unlearned, learning another way of relating and opening ourselves to different characteristics.
We repeat the pattern if we are not aware of our fears and insecurities or do nothing to face them.
Therefore, the first thing is to get to know each other well and understand that: by changing me, the relationship or the way we bond changes .
And how do you relate to your partner? What is your role?
The problem of not being aware of your pattern or your role is that the tree covers the forest, being an obstacle to analyze how you act and what person you are unconsciously looking for.
Without realizing it, you are going to look for someone who fits with your dynamics or who resembles the relationship you had with your parents.
It’s like you’re on autopilot, but without knowing it.
We transmit an energy that will attract a specific type of person and vice versa. You will be attracted to people with an energy that matches yours. Don’t blame yourself or get confused,
it’s the way you learned to relate . It is possible to get out of this vicious circle if you become aware of your patterns.
How to break these patterns?
Once you are aware of your pattern, it is time to take action and reverse that learning. Start doing something to be connect always like sharing morning or night images,
As you can see, repeating negative patterns in your relationships can be the cause or one of the causes that your relationships work for us. Thus, we want to give you some suggestions to integrate healthier relationship patterns.
First of all, ask yourself:
- What kind of people do I look at?
- What is it that attracts me to them?
- How do I react when…?
- What results do I have when I react like this?
- Could you react in another way?
Taking care of self-esteem protects from painful patterns in relationships.
Here are some suggestions to put an end to the vicious cycle :
- Detect those patterns : The first step to change something is to detect that the problem exists and where exactly it is. I recommend you write down all the ideas that come to you in a notebook and thus become aware of them and organize them.
- Discriminate the signs that the same thing is happening to you again : it is normal that you continue to feel attracted to people with the same characteristics as in the past, but now it is up to you to cut that relationship in time, since you know that that type of people have given you more suffering than satisfaction.
Assume your share of responsibility.
- Accept: it is okay for you to tell your partner some things that bother you and that you would like them to change, but always keeping in mind that everyone is free to change or not.
- Remember: if you decide to start a relationship, remember that it is to join each other, respect the independence of each of the members and accompany you in your life project.
- Take care of your self-esteem .
Although it is true that throughout our lives we unconsciously learn patterns that influence the course of our romantic relationships,
it is also true that we can become aware of them and modify them in order to live fuller, more conscious love relationships. and much more rewarding.
Check also – Tips to Forget a Loved One who Cheated on You
